Stop! Making Sense.....?

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Why 'The Man Who Never Was'? I suppose it's because most of my life I've been the guy ' WHO'D BE GREAT AT ...(fill in the blanks). You're THE PERFECT GUY FOR ME except..... YOU'RE SO TALENTED, WHY CAN'T YOU (earn more, climb higher in the company, be a better husband/father/salesman/etc, etc, etc) . 

THAT man exists and existed for others, and for a long time, me as well. Frustrating and frustrated. Disappointing and disappointed. Almost and not quite. Never - NEVER- enough. 

60 years ( I was actually diagnosed at 58) is a long time to go without fully and truly knowing yourself, how you fit, where you fit. Having a weight, much like a weighted blanket ( without the calm-inducing benefit, more like a heavy yoke) draped over you, a veil between times' passage and your TRUE TRUE self always present on front of you, the pasts' shames haunting and tormenting you and conspiratorial plots of failure and rejection ahead in your tomorrows. Exhausting. Frustrating. Hard. Sad, so very sad. 


Jobs, careers, relationships , marriages, all affected, all so full of promise, all yanked away by Lucy holding the ADHD football. What's worse, to keep trying to kick the ball with the same result, over and over. For me, I have to experience the sadness over what is lost- maybe my marriage - and put my energy into the right 'hard'. Is excelling at work 'hard'? Yes. Is being present 'hard'.? Yes. Is attention to detail 'hard'? Is patience ( ironic, given that you're 'time-blind') and quick-trigger anger 'hard'? Yes. Is stopping the negative doom loop self talk 'hard'? Yes. Is getting and keeping motivation 'hard'? Yes. Is avoiding alcohol to numb, to self medicate, to get that great Dopamine rush 'hard' ? Yes. But I have to believe with all my heart, that that those 'hard' things are a far better way to live. 

 My sadness is tempered with excitement at the discovery of my ADHD - the typical 'Aha' moment so many feel with a late diagnosis (I got mine after a daughter was diagnosed) - because I now know and understand ME. Notice I didn't say I know how to 'fix' me. But by understanding, I can extend myself some grace, do the right 'hard' things that may not always be successful, but I can feel good- at least not bad- about. I can manage myself in what I think of as 'Jiu-Jitsu , not Kung-Fu' way (using the weight of and gifts of ADHD to gently control and roll myself to my goals, not punch myself in the face until I submit) - creating accommodations, tools, prompts, support that are 'hard', but the right 'hard'. 

Will I still be exhausted? Yes, but maybe in a better way. I'm doing the end of year clean out and inventory, as many do in normal years, and many are doing in this time of COVID. If you could see the 100's - yes, 100's- of time management, self help, 'New You' , goal achievement books, habit establishment books....... But now I truly understand. 

The cliche is 'knowledge is Power' - but there's a reason that cliches are true and long-lasting. In 2021, I will choose the right 'hard', choose optimism and hope with the knowledge that I've lost and will lose some precious things, that I'll try and fail, but I will TRY. 

 If actuarial tables hold, I have 25- 30 years to live. The previous 60 are of no matter now, excepting informing the next 25 to 30. So, onward. Here's to 2021, to the future, to turning knowledge into 'accurate action' and power, and for being a good servant to my self, my wife, my kids, my family, my friends, my employer, my community ( civic and ADHD) .

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