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  Sometimes my thoughts fly through my mind like a plastic grocery bag in the wind. Some interesting; some exciting; some important in the moment; most of them., fleeting and flying away. Momentarily eye-catching, then off and away to parts unknown.  I've tried lists. Apps that have lists. Voice memos. Multiple legal pads ( yellow, white). Sticky notes. Sticky notes ON legal pads. Pictures of the lists. Reminder texts. Alarms .Moleskins. ( expensive way to capture those ohsoimportant thoughts and then forget all about them. Thanks, Short Term Memory deficiency!)  The question is - and we ALL have this question. About meds. About diet. About sleep, supplements, time management. relationships, work assignments, parenting, exercise, therapy.  What works?  My conclusion is this - whatever works for you NOW .  In addition to lists, I've also tried every self-help, time management, PROVEN SYSTEM OR YOUR MONEY BACK way to 'manage' myself. Books, seminars, YouTube ...
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Jonesing

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  Woke up Jonesing this morning- scattered, anxious, clumsy ( is that a thing with ADD?) , anger readily available. Remembered to breath, to eat, to reframe on 'what's the next hard thing I can choose to do'? as opposed to picking my beard, wandering from room to room forgetting what I just felt had to be done RIGHT NOW, or picking a distraction. ADD remains fucking HARD. A true pain in the ass. Frustrating. Restraining, shrinking your world to your head + thoughts, to lots of activity but no action, or progress. I often think there's got be some aspect of Narcissism involved in ADD - at least my ADD - and I don't know if it's heritable, but if so, thanks Mom! You spend so much goddamn time thinking about yourself. Away from your actual life, the real world passing by you as if you're a Guppie in a fish tank. Lots of swimming, but going nowhere. SEEING the world, being a part of it, but not IN IT. 
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He is Risen

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 Listened to the Easter sermon (online; Presbyterian; I'm a converted Catholic, raised in evangelic Baptist-y, speaking in tongues, etc.) this morning. Some of it was usual, familiar. You have to play to the Christmas/Easter crowd, you know.  The sermon's theme was 'But'. (and, you know- a guy dies and rises from the dead - pretty good story). 'But', as in the the bad things that happen in our life - death, loss, failures - always seem to us to be like a sentence with a period.  The end. The sermon's point was that, in that story, and in the bad things that happen to us, with faith, there's always a comma, or if you will, a 'BUT'.  He has died. BUT- He has risen.  I'm in no way comparing myself to Jesus, or my story to the Greatest Story Ever Told or having ADD to being crucified..  BUT - for those of us who seem to have more 'death's - of jobs, of marriages, of finances - we need to have the faith that there's a 'but' the...
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Who I Am

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This is who I am and how I live in the World.   I can be a success at work, I can be a good husband, I can be a good dad, and I can be secure, happy, and valued.   I can make the right accommodations and allowances , and create and use the right support systems that work for ME.   I can use my way of being in the world as a strength to achieve these things, my accommodations, allowances and supports to support it and  constantly remind myself to love myself as I am.                                            UNDERSTAND. ACCEPT. DO THE WORK. 
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Stop! Making Sense.....?

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Why  'The Man Who Never Was'?  I suppose it's because most of my life I've been the guy '  WHO'D BE GREAT AT  ...(fill in the blanks). You're  THE PERFECT GUY FOR ME  except..... Y OU'RE SO TALENTED, WHY CAN'T YOU  (earn more, climb higher in the company, be a better husband/father/salesman/etc, etc, etc) .  THAT man exists and existed for others, and for a long time, me as well. Frustrating and frustrated. Disappointing and disappointed. Almost and not quite. Never - NEVER- enough.  60 years ( I was actually diagnosed at 58) is a long time to go without fully and truly knowing yourself, how you fit, where you fit. Having a weight, much like a weighted blanket ( without the calm-inducing benefit, more like a heavy yoke) draped over you, a veil between times' passage and your TRUE TRUE self always present on front of you, the pasts' shames haunting and tormenting you and conspiratorial plots of failure and rejection ahead in your tomorrows. E...
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